Jokes

             

Who's driving this car?

A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the backseat. The women just won't leave him alone. His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!" His wife says, "Stay more to the left."

After ten mixed orders, the man turns to his wife and asks, "Who's driving this car? You or your mother?"

              

                                 Facebook Love

My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status "I'm getting a divorce," he was the first one to click Like.

                

                    The Three Week Diet

A man says to a friend, "My wife is on a three-week diet."

"Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?" asks his pal.

He replies, "Two weeks."

                   

                           At the Airport

Tourist: How much is it to the Airport?

Taxi driver: That's five pounds twenty.

Tourist: And how much is it for the luggage?

Taxi driver: The luggage, of course, is free.

Tourist: All right, just take that stuff along. I'm walking.

Home Improvement Fails

Some Home Improvement     Fails

The double switch plate

We understand not wanting to make another trip to hardware store, but come on, people.

The inconvenient cabinets

These drawers seem to be installed nice and snuggly. Too bad nobody will be able to open them.

The interrupting tree

  

These homeowners went so green, they don't even care if they can't get to their cars.

The wonky door knob.

There are rules to installing these types of door handles, guys. They are not reversible.

The missing door

This entry is almost perfect. The only thing missing from it is an entrance.

 The toilet notch

This is what happens when you realize your measurements were off, but starting over is just not an option.

The ill-placed spout

First lesson in home improvement: Water and electricity don't mix.

The accident waiting to happen

It's not a great sign when your weekend project turns into a balancing act.

The missing door

This entry is almost perfect. The only thing missing from it is an entrance.

Funny jokes

The Other Woman

Doctors are used to getting calls at any hour. One night a man phoned, waking me up. "I'm sorry to bother you so late," he said, "but I think my wife has appendicitis."

Still half asleep, I reminded him that I had taken his wife's inflamed appendix out a couple of years before. "Whoever heard of a second appendix?" I asked.

"You may not have heard of a second appendix," he replied, "but surely you've heard of a second wife."

Math Problems

When a patient was wheeled into our emergency room, I was the nurse on duty. "On a scale of zero to ten," I asked her, "with zero representing no pain and ten representing excruciating pain, what would you say your pain level is now?"

She shook her head. "Oh, I don't know. I'm not good with math."

Batman and Robin go camping

Batman and Robin go camping in the desert one day. They find a suitable spot, pitch their tent and soon fall asleep. In the middle of the night, Batman wakes his faithful friend saying, "Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Robin replies, "Why Batman, I see millions of stars."

Batman then asks him, "And what does that tell you?"

Robin is silent for a while while he thinks about this then he says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. And theologically, it's evidence the Lord is all-powerful and how small and insignificant we are. Meteorologically, it looks as though we're in for a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Batman?"

Batman is also silent for a moment, then says, - Robin, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!?

Misunderstandings Caused By Bad Pronunciation

 Proper pronunciation is not only for a better quality in your English, but also for avoiding problems.

Check out the examples below.







That's really funny! isn't it?

         I lost my car

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.

His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these.

"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.

"Idiot", he barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

Time for a joke

Revenge


I don't recommend revenges, but...

When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to Come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, "YOU'RE NEXT".

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. Heheheh!!

Having a little fun
 
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a s---head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.