Funny jokes

The Other Woman

Doctors are used to getting calls at any hour. One night a man phoned, waking me up. "I'm sorry to bother you so late," he said, "but I think my wife has appendicitis."

Still half asleep, I reminded him that I had taken his wife's inflamed appendix out a couple of years before. "Whoever heard of a second appendix?" I asked.

"You may not have heard of a second appendix," he replied, "but surely you've heard of a second wife."

Math Problems

When a patient was wheeled into our emergency room, I was the nurse on duty. "On a scale of zero to ten," I asked her, "with zero representing no pain and ten representing excruciating pain, what would you say your pain level is now?"

She shook her head. "Oh, I don't know. I'm not good with math."

Batman and Robin go camping

Batman and Robin go camping in the desert one day. They find a suitable spot, pitch their tent and soon fall asleep. In the middle of the night, Batman wakes his faithful friend saying, "Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Robin replies, "Why Batman, I see millions of stars."

Batman then asks him, "And what does that tell you?"

Robin is silent for a while while he thinks about this then he says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. And theologically, it's evidence the Lord is all-powerful and how small and insignificant we are. Meteorologically, it looks as though we're in for a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Batman?"

Batman is also silent for a moment, then says, - Robin, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!?

Modals

Modals in English Grammar

1. can

Use	Examples
ability to do sth. in the present (substitute form: to be able to)	I can speak English.
permission to do sth. in the present (substitute form: to be allowed to)	Can I go to the cinema?
request	Can you wait a moment, please?
offer	I can lend you my car till tomorrow.
suggestion	Can we visit Grandma at the weekend?
possibility	It can get very hot in Arizona.

2. could

Use	Examples
ability to do sth. in the past (substitute form: to be able to)	I could speak English.
permission to do sth. in the past (substitute form: to be allowed to)	I could go to the cinema.
polite question *	Could I go to the cinema, please?
polite request *	Could you wait a moment, please?
polite offer *	I could lend you my car till tomorrow.
polite suggestion *	Could we visit Grandma at the weekend?
possibility *	It could get very hot in Montana.

3. may

Use	Examples
possibility	It may rain today.
permission to do sth. in the present (substitute form: to be allowed to)	May I go to the cinema?
polite suggestion	May I help you?

4. might

Use	Examples
possibility (less possible than may) *	It might rain today.
hesitant offer *	Might I help you?

5. must

Use	Examples
force, necessity	I must go to the supermarket today.
possibility	You must be tired.
advice, recommendation	You must see the new film with Brad Pitt.

6. must not/may not

Use	Examples
prohibition (must is a little stronger)	You mustn't work on dad's computer.
	You may not work on dad's computer.

7. need not

Use	Examples
sth. is not necessary	I needn't go to the supermarket, we're going to the restaurant tonight.

8. ought to

simliar to should – ought to sounds a little less subjective

Use	Examples
advice	You ought to drive carefully in bad weather.
obligation	You ought to switch off the light when you leave the room.

9. shall

used instead of will in the 1st person

Use	Examples
suggestion	Shall I carry your bag?

10. should

Use	Examples
advice	You should drive carefully in bad weather.
obligation	You should switch off the light when you leave the room.

11. will

Use	Examples
wish, request, demand, order (less polite than would)	Will you please shut the door?
prediction, assumption	I think it will rain on Friday.
promise	I will stop smoking.
spontaneous decision	Can somebody drive me to the station? - I will.
habits	She's strange, she'll sit for hours without talking.

12. would

Use	Examples
wish, request (more polite than will)	Would you shut the door, please?
habits in the past	Sometimes he would bring me some flowers.

* These are no past forms, they refer to the future.

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Quantifiers – some, any, much, many – English - Grammar Explanations

                   a lot of, lots of

When do we use a lot of and when lots of?

These phrases are mainly used in informal English – lots of sounds a bit more informal than a lot of. Both forms are used in singular and in plural sentences.

It is not the phrase a lot of or lots of which determines singular or plural, but the noun of the sentence (here: water and computers).

1. Informal English

Singular

• A lot of water is wasted.
• Lots of water is wasted.

Plural

• A lot of computers are needed at schools.
• Lots of computers are needed at schools.

2. Formal English

In formal English we use plenty of or much and many instead of a lot of/lots of.

Singular

• Plenty of water is wasted.
• Much water is wasted.

Plural

• Plenty of computers are needed at schools.
• Many computers are needed at schools.

each, every

When do we use each and when every?

The words each and every have similar meanings.

Each/Every time I go to work, the red car is parked in front of the office.

But each and every are not always interchangeable. There are situations where you can either use each or every.

Use

• each is used when you see the persons in a group as individuals.
• every is used when you see the persons in a group as a unit.

1 each

The word each can be used alone or before an of-phrase.

1.1.can be used for two persons or things

There are two boys. Each is smiling.

1.2. can be used as a pronoun

There are 5 worksheets. Please take one of each.

1.3. can be used before a verb

The students each received a free copy of the magazine.

2. every

2.1. used for three or more persons or things

The manager wants to speak to every employee in his office.

2.2. has to be used before a noun

They enjoyed every minute of their holidays.

2.3. used for repeated actions

• I get up at 6 o'clock every morning.
• The show will be broadcast every other Monday.
• Every time I go shopping I choose the wrong queue.
• There's a tram every ten minutes.

3. Singular or plural and each, every

• If each is used after a subject in the plural (the girls), the verb is used in the plural (have):
• The girls each have written an e-mail.
• The girls each have written e-mails.
• If every should be used in this sentence, the singular of the verb is used (has):
• Every girl has written an e-mail.

much, many – a little, a few

1. When do we use much and when many?

• much: uncountable nouns (milk, marmalade, money, time etc.)
• many: countable nouns (bottles of milk, jars of marmalade, dollars, minutes etc.)

Examples:

• How much money have you got?
• How many dollars have you got?

In informal English these questions are often answered with a lot of, lots of. There is no much difference between the two phrases.

2. When do we use a little/little and when a few/few?

• a little: non countable nouns (milk, marmalade, money, time etc.)
• a few: countable nouns (bottles of milk, jars of marmalade, dollars, minutes etc.)

Examples:

• He has a little money left.
• He has a few dollars left.

We use few and little without the article a to point out a more negative meaning.

Examples:

• A few students of our school know this. (There are some student who know it.)
• Few students know this. (It is almost unkonown.)

some and any – English Grammar

When do we use some and when any?

We use some and any for an amount which is not known e.g. Have you got any crisps?

Use of some and any

• some: affirmative statements, offers, requests and in questions when you expect the answer ›yes‹
• any: negative statements, questions

Have you got any bananas? No, we haven't got any. But we've got some oranges.

Exceptions:

I would like to buy fruit at a market. I see the man has wonderful apples so I can ask him:

• Can I have some of these apples?

If I do not see apples or if I am not sure whether there are apples at all I use any in this question.

• Have you got any apples?

something, anything and other compounds

Compounds with some and any

The compounds with some and any are used like the single words some/any.

Compounds	Sentences
something, anything	There is something wrong with our car.
someone, anyone*	There is someone at the door.
somebody, anybody*	I would like to be somebody.
someday	Someday he'll be rich.
sometime, anytime	We saw her sometime last month.
sometimes	I sometimes take the bus to school.
someplace, anyplace, somewhere, anywhere	Can't you sing somewhere else?
somehow, anyhow, someway, anyway	She looked ill, somehow.
anymore	I can't help you anymore.

* The compounds someone/anyone and somebody/anybody are nearly identical.

What is the difference between someone and somebody?

someone is used for a more special person and somebody for a person in general.

• There's someone at the door.
• I'd like to be somebody.

Gerund and infinitive

Gerund and infinitive with to – no difference in meaning

Gerund and the Infinitive after the verb – no difference in meaning

These verbs can be followed by a Gerund and an Infinitive without changing their meaning:

Verb	Examples
begin	He began talking.
	He began to talk.
continue	They continue smoking.
	They continue to smoke.
hate	Do you hate working on Saturdays?
	Do you hate to work on Saturdays?
like	I like swimming.
	I like to swim.
love	She loves painting.
	She loves to paint.
prefer	Pat prefers walking home.
	Pat prefers to walk home.
start	They start singing.
	They start to sing.

These verbs can also be followed by a Gerund or an Infinitive without changing their meaning. Mind the structure with the infinitive:

• Gerund: Verb + -ing
• Infinitive: Verb + Person (as object) + infinitive with to

Verb	Examples
advise	They advise walking to town.
	They advise us to walk to town.
allow	They do not allow smoking here.
	They do not allow us to smoke here.
encourage	They encourage doing the test.
	They encourage us to do the test.
permit	They do not permit smoking here.
	They do not permit us to smoke here.

When recommend is followed by an infinitive, put that after recommend, then the object and then the infinitive without to.

Verb	Examples
recommend	They recommend walking.
	They recommend that we walk.

Gerund and infinitive – different meaning

Verbs change their meaning when they are followed by a Gerund or an Infinitive

Some verbs have different meanings when they are follwed by a gerund or an infinitive.

forget

GERUND	INFINITIVE
looks back in the past	looks into the future
He'll never forget spending so much money on his first computer.	Don't forget to spend money on the tickets.

go on

GERUND	INFINITIVE
to continue with the same thing	to change the activity
Go on reading the text.	Go on to read the text.

mean

GERUND	INFINITIVE
sth. has to be done to get a result	intend to do sth.
You have forgotten your homework again. That means phoning your mother.	I meant to phone your mother, but my mobile didn't work.

regret

GERUND	INFINITIVE
you did sth in the past and you are not happy about it	to tell bad news and you are not happy about it
I regret being late for school.	We regret to inform you that the flight has beeen delayed for another two hours.

remember

GERUND	INFINITIVE
looks back in the past	looks into the future
I remember switching off the lights when I went on holiday.	Remember to switch off the lights when you go on holiday.

stop

GERUND	INFINITIVE
to stop with an activity	to stop in order to do sth.
I stopped smoking.	I stopped to smoke.

try

GERUND	INFINITIVE
to test sth.	to do sth. that is not easy
I tried taking an aspirin but it didn't help.	Try to be quiet when you come home late.

The following words are a little more tricky.

like

I like reading books. = I like to read books.
There is normally no difference in meaning.

• Use the Gerund when like is used in the sense of 'enjoy'.
  Example: I like riding my bike.
• Use the Infinitive when you do sth. in the sense of a habit.
  Example: I like to do my homework in the afternoon. (I think, it is good to do my homework in the afternoon).

Mind the following examples:

• I like watching films.
• I would like to watch the film.

be afraid

Use the Gerund when you worry about sth.

• I'm afraid of having an accident.

In other cases there is no difference in meaning whether we use Gerund or Infinitive.

• I'm afraid to go by bike on this road. = I'm afraid of going by bike on this road.

need

If we use a Gerund after need, then the sentcene has a passive meaning:

• The window needs cleaning.

used to

The form to be used to + Gerund means that the person is familiar with sth.

• He is used to smoking. (He still smokes.)

The form used to + Infinitive means that the person did sth. in the past.

• He used to smoke. (He does not smoke any more.)

Attention!

• He is used to smoke. (This sentence is wrong.)